My girlfriend used to get on my tits about my weight whenever I mentioned hamburgers. So I started telling her instead that I'd had a "beef salad roll" for lunch. She congratulated me every time for making a healthy choice, and never did work it out. Not sorry.
— Fesshole 🧻 (@fesshole) January 22, 2022
My Wordle pic.twitter.com/o1zT1dczqn
— Josh Gad (@joshgad) January 22, 2022
▓░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 6%
— Year Progress (@year_progress) January 22, 2022
Right so I have a confession. I’m not Traffic Cone. It’s a wind up. However it’s got so out of hand the actual Traffic Cone has angrily messaged me telling me to stop saying I’m traffic cone. So for the record, I’m not Traffic Cone. But I now know who is. 😂😂😂 #MaskedSingerUK
— Rob Beckett (@robbeckettcomic) January 22, 2022
When a clown moves into a palace, he does not become a king. The palace becomes a circus.
— Elizabeth Bangs -No accountability? No democracy. (@ElizabethBangs) January 23, 2022
My WORDLE’s not working properly and I seem to have booked 10 tickets for Mamma Mia pic.twitter.com/d3nI2g3ylm
— Yan Tsou (@YannyBakes) January 21, 2022
People seem gutted when the word takes 5 or 6 goes to get, jubilant if it’s 2. But the long game means you had to show deductive skill and graft; 2 just means you had some luck. You should be prouder of a 5! Forget what you think you know!! Love, your Wordle cheerleader.
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) January 25, 2022
Just saw a 'please consider the environment before printing this email' footer. What a throwback.
— Aaron (@AaronBoardley) January 26, 2022
If you ever feel useless just remember that at least you're not the first r in February.
— Dave (@davechannel) January 27, 2022
As a taxpayer, I don’t mind paying £500,000 towards Liz Truss flying to Australia, it’s paying for the return ticket that I object to.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) January 27, 2022
Yes yes but how do you WIPE YOUR BUM? https://t.co/NSez3GPYlP
— Lily Potkin (@MissPotkin) January 27, 2022
He wasn’t aware it was his birthday.
— Sue Perkins 💙 (@sueperkins) January 24, 2022
Sue Gray should paint the Forth Bridge next
— Matthew Sweet (@DrMatthewSweet) January 24, 2022
As the great Julia Child once said, a party without cake is just a meeting. Johnson’s staffers supplied a cake. Ergo, It was a party.
— Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) January 24, 2022
It was just ten minutes.
— Caroline Voaden (@CarolineVoaden) January 25, 2022
Ten minutes is a good long cuddle with a newborn grandchild.
Ten minutes is enough to hug and giggle with a close friend to lighten a difficult day.
Ten minutes is time to touch, hug and say farewell to a dying parent.
But we didn’t get ten minutes
Let’s be clear – Tory MPs aren’t waiting for the report to see whether Johnson is innocent – they are waiting to see if he can get away with it.
— Siobhan Benita 🇺🇦🌻 (@SiobhanBenita) January 26, 2022
And that’s all you need to know about their moral vacuum.
BREAKING: Leaked Sue Gray report reveals shocking abuse of the rules. Hard to see how the PM can cling on after this. pic.twitter.com/l0IQMcio0t
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) January 27, 2022
This is an actual series of messages I have received from someone who works for a cabinet minister. Source is verified. pic.twitter.com/PVfCCjJMQL
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) January 27, 2022
— Joe Lycett (@joelycett) January 28, 2022
Word of the day is ‘forwaked’ (14th century): weary from watching and waiting for something that never seems to materialise.
— Susie Dent (@susie_dent) January 28, 2022
This just in: Shine Jesus Shine is still a cracker.
— Hannah Swithinbank (@hannahswiv) January 27, 2022
— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) January 28, 2022
Strange Discovery – a thread
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) January 19, 2022
So I’m tearing up the carpet in my daughter’s bedroom to fit a nice new one, my guess is this one has been down for at least 20 years… (1/9) pic.twitter.com/1tS0RgUvqO
‘The gods of this present age; materialism, careerism, perfectionism and workaholism don’t care for you, but the God of the bible is real and he cares for you.’ @BishopRuthB 🔥🔥🔥@StDionisPG
— Will Van Der Hart (@willvanderhart) January 29, 2022
ineke.co.uk 
Anything to add...?